Tommy Dorfman
October 15, 2019

Photo Jacob Bixenman

Stylist Timothy Chernyaev

HMUA Homa Safar

Assistant Buck Andrews

Caroline D’Arcy Gorman: Talk to me about working with Jacob for this shoot. How did working with a close friend shape the creative process?

Tommy Dorfman: Working with Jacob was really organic and easy. The way he works is really full of life and energy and fun, but he is also good at keeping it contained and reeling me in. A really important part of any artistic collaboration is trust, and I have implicit trust in Jacob’s vision and his taste. We have a mutual respect for one another that is showcased in the photos. I don’t often get the opportunity to communicate that directly with the photographer, but for this shoot, Jacob and I were able to bounce ideas off each other, and send imagery and research. We were really able to talk about what’s exciting for me right now and what’s exciting for him and where we can meet in the middle.

CDG: You have an amazing fashion sense—  From what I’ve seen, the blue green hair that you’re rocking is cool as fuck. As a queer person, it took me a long time to come into my identity and to find a look that I felt really comfortable in. There was a really awkward phase when I was an early teenager trying to figure it all out. What was that process like for you, figuring out what clothes you feel comfortable in, and how has your style evolved over time?

TD: As a really young kid, from when I was a toddler through middle school, I wore exclusively “girl’s clothes”. A similar thing happened for me during those puberty years, where things get really weird and suddenly cliquey. I repressed a lot of that part of myself, and tried not to stand out so much. Also, fears of bullying, whether or not I was aware of it at the time, added up and it just felt safer to assimilate. Later in high school, after I came out to more people, I began to experiment more with my expression through clothing. Now when it comes to choosing what to wear, some days I am drained and I don’t have the brain capacity to put an outfit together, so I go to what’s comfortable and easy and what I feel safe in. Beyond getting attention for being myself, what I wear can also bring more attention to me, so there is often a battle of how confident I am feeling in myself that day and how noticeable I want to be.

TD: I feel my most masculine in skirts at times, and my most feminine in sweatpants and a t-shirt; I don’t think the clothes always represent how I am feeling on the inside. In these photos, one of the looks we put together wasn’t composed of clothes that were pulled— it was a dress that I had brought, with a t-shirt and Jacob’s Doc Martens. To me, that is one of the most masculine looks that we did. Often clothes bring me into a new character, a different part of self. It was fun doing this shoot because I felt like we created these little characters that all co-existed in the same world.

CDG: Totally. That’s why I love going to events sometimes. Dressing up, I feel like someone completely different, which feels really refreshing. You have been very open about your sobriety online which is awesome, I am also sober, and it’s cool to see that you are able to be open about it without pushing an agenda. By saying what works for you, you are providing hope and resources to people out there who need to know that sobriety is an option.

TD: Yeah it’s interesting, that post opened up a channel of conversation with someone I to college with and wasn’t particularly close with at the time. We were able to connect in a way that we never would have been able to before. [Sobriety] is such an equalizer. It is a day at a time, and I may not be sober for the rest of my life so it’s risky to talk about it. But, if I relapse, I don’t think that’s something I should be criticized for. This is a disease we are struggling with. Queer safe spaces tend to be in places where alcohol and drugs are prevelant, and I didn’t think there was a life for me without those things. Now I know that I can participate in that stuff, and still go to those safe spaces without having to drink or use drugs. Especially since a lot of my followers are young and some of them are queer, it’s important for them to know that they don’t have to be defined by drugs or alcohol.

CDG: You have so many people following you, who you are influencing. What was it like when you first started to gain a platform and realize that you have a major voice?

TD: I think I have a niche voice, in that I don’t have 100 million followers, I have a really cool group of people who participate in my life, which is nice. It was still strange; I think the whole thing is kind of weird. [Fame] is not something you can fully prepare for and it is not something that I expected to happen. So when it did, I had to figure out how to manage it. Some days it gives me a lot of anxiety and other days it gives me hope. Social media can have a real impact, but the reality is, social media is not real. It’s such a double edged sword: On one hand I get to help people, and participate in important conversations, and on the other hand, I deal with bullying and the comedown of the dopamine high of “likes” and not getting enough “likes”. Just like any teenager feels, I feel when I post a photo. But I don’t want my life to be dominated by engagement on Instagram so I’ll go through periods of time where I just delete it off my phone because I feel like it’s detrimental to my mental health. I try to use it for good at the end of the day, and not let it rule my life. It is way cooler to have an interaction with someone on the street.

CDG: I want to talk about the play, “Daddy,” that you did, which I so wish that I saw.

TD: Talk about working with friends! I had a lot of friends on that. Doing that play was a way for me to ground myself and secure myself in one city for longer than a week, and dive into what I love doing the most, which is acting. So much of this industry asks actors to do other things, like going to fashion shows and parties, which I enjoy sometimes, but I don’t like being in large crowds all the time. To have the opportunity to just act for four months was a dream. It was humbling and soul filling. Having an interaction with an audience that changes every single day for eight shows a week is remarkable. And having the trust in a company of actors who I really admire and learn from, was so exciting. In theatre everyone really carries each other, whether you have two scenes to do in the play, or 20.

CDG: How did you maintain your energy and strike a balance between being able to show up and perform and give it your all every day but also take care of yourself?

TD: I let myself sleep. Usually I’m early to bed, early to rise person and this play turned me into a late to bed, late to rise person, which was a different experience than I’d had before but an altogether enjoyable one. I didn’t socialize very much, I didn’t go to bars, I went to the same restaurant every day—  It was really nice. I didn’t ask too much of myself. The challenge was to allow myself the freedom to not move if I didn’t want to move, and conserve. We all got the flu during the play, but we still had to commit and show up. I feel like I can do anything now, when it comes to acting. I can work as many hours as I need to under whatever conditions. We did it all during those four months.

CDG: Do you ever get into a creative rut and if so what do you do to take yourself out of it and stimulate yourself?

TD: I find that there is a benefit to pushing through, and forcing creativity at times; however, when it comes to writing, for example, there are times when I just need to step away from it for a second. I’ll go and watch movies, see theatre and spend time with friends. I’ll spend time walking around without my phone and observing people. I am still navigating that space for myself, and figuring out what it looks like. The less time I am on my phone the more creative I am. When I don’t have Instagram on my phone, I am way more productive.

CDG: Often I check Instagram because I’m bored and don’t know what else to do; if I don’t give myself that option, though, a whole new field for creativity opens up instead of getting stuck in this routine of checking social media.

TD: I find reading to be an extremely creative thing too. Taking the time to create a world for yourself, and figure out what it looks like to you, stimulates your imagination. Reading can inspire whatever it is you are working on.

CDG: Is it true that you wanted to do stage acting right out of drama school?

TD: I did want to pursue theatre and I felt that in order to do so, I had to go to grad school. Instead of grad school I decided to pursue television in the hopes that creating a career in television and film would allow me more access to theatre. So at the end of the day, [my work] has always lead me back to theatre. In college, I received acting training and learned a lot from my teachers, but I also had life experience that I had to go through, like getting sober, and leaving school and coming back. I had to go through a lot of experiences before I could start working professionally and do what I am doing now. When I first got sober, I didn’t think that I could be an actor. I did not think that was going to be an option for me.

CDG: Why is that?

TD: There are a lot of drugs and a lot of drinking in the industry. Now that I have six years sober, it doesn’t bother me in the way that it would have if I had six months, but it just seemed like a glamourous cocaine-friendly world, which is sort of what I spiraled out of (laughs).

CDG: Mhmm.

TD: I mean, not actually super glamourous, but I thought it was at the time. And [acting] seemed like a scary thing to do sober when you could actually feel all of your feelings. I was fragile, and I was vulnerable, and the idea of constant rejection, which is what an actor’s life is. Even if you are successful and working, very few of us get to do whatever it is that we want to do at the time. Most of us are striving for things, fighting for things, pushing ourselves to achieve more, do more, fulfill ourselves creatively, and with that comes a lot of disapproval from others. I didn’t know that sobriety actually enabled me to deal with rejection and not let it affect me. When I was first getting sober, I thought that there would be no way I would be able rejection, because it would force me to drink.

CDG: It is honestly so inspiring and encouraging to hear about your journey. It is really beautiful how something that you could have never dreamed came to fruition in sobriety. And you had to go through really hard times to get there—- We all do.

TD: It really shocks me that I get to do what I get to do. I find it unbelievable. And it very much feels a thing that could go away at any moment. So I try to stay present with it and enjoy it as much as possible and not take it for granted.

CDG: Do you have any words or advice for young queer kids who may be struggling with their identities?

TD: That is when the Internet can be really great. You can find a community, you can find resources. We have been talking about Instagram, so to bring it back to that, you can click on a profile, to get to another profile, to get to another profile, and eventually you will find someone who you can relate to, and communicate with directly. That is a great opportunity to use Instagram for good. I know a lot of queer people on Instagram who have platforms, and whether they have 5,000 followers or 5 million, they will do Q+A’s and provide resources in their bio for those who are struggling.

Beyond that… I have been thinking a lot about this with Pride. Being out and being in the industry, I know a lot of actors who aren’t out. At first I judged them and now, I do my best not to. It is okay if you don’t feel comfortable expressing your full self. It doesn’t mean that you should be criticized for it, you shouldn’t feel pressure if you aren’t able to participate in Pride. I feel like Pride becomes a competition for people; not just in June, also in day to day life. There is a lot of shame in not being out, or not being true to yourself, being the best you and “fuck the haters”— At the end of the day, it’s okay to allow yourself time and patience to figure it out. For some people, it’s more comfortable to be in the closet and that’s fine.